Testimony of an Unknown

 I am in my “Solo-Gal Era”. At  least this is what I tell myself when my heart gets tugged on by the ever present reminders that I have no friends. Sure, I have acquaintances and I have people that I call “friends” for lack of a better term but in reality there are far too few people who truly know me. I am an unknown. This has been one of the most hurtful struggles of my life but it has also been the very thing that God has used again and again much to my joy and much to my chagrin.

 I am the quiet one. The helpful one. The nice one. The “what’s her name again” one. I am the one who people remember to call when they need an ear in their grief but forget to invite out to celebrate their joy. These are my seasons of drought, when I am surrounded by women like minded and equal in age, when I thirst for conversation and shared life stories and am left to lap up the drops of pleasantries and platitudes like they are life. In one such time as this I accepted Christ into my heart because being loved and being known was something I desperately needed.  Another time, I met my husband. The world was silenced for me socially and when all the friends and companions stepped back and out of my life  it was only my  husband-to-be that remained.

There are also times of balance, when my introverted life suddenly experiences a deluge of new people. Metaphorical doors open and people pour in from everywhere filling my life for a time. It’s in these seasons I have been able to retrospectively realize Gods hand in such a mundane thing as my social life. When my husband was deployed overseas, a downpour. When my marriage was on the verge of failing, a flood (literally. But that’s another story for another day). In those days so many friendships filled  both my days and my heart (and his as well) that they carried us through and back to each other.

Friends come and friends go. Sometimes they just leave and sometimes they take a little bit of Jesus that I got to share with them. In my youth this was a painful cycle and still remains somewhat so but I’m learning that each time my social calendar is cleared for the foreseeable future I am being called to focus. I am being driven to thirst.

So often I wish I had women around me who knew what my favorite color is or my most favorite book. I long for girly chatter and impromptu ladies nights in with a good movie and snacks. I so often feel unknown to the world and people around me. 

Feeling unknown is akin to feeling unworthy but I have been told by the word of God that I am both made worthy through God and fully known by God. 

Even so I pray I never forget by whom I am truly known and by whom I am loved through the desert and through the deluge. I pray he strengthens my heart in times of plenty and in times of need. I pray that those he sets in my path I can love as he loves them even though I am afraid of rejection. If you ever feel unknown at times just remember you are not alone. My name is Leeanna and  my favorite color is green. What’s yours?

Leeanna Lopez