Growing in Faith

As Mother’s Day is approaching, I can’t help but to reflect on how becoming a mama has given me a new perspective of God’s grace and unconditional love.  

Before having my daughter, I struggled with Mother’s Day for a while. I felt bitter and sad. I was angry with God for a long time. After having my daughter, I was hit pretty hard with postpartum depression. I wrote in my poetry book a little about the guilt I felt while dealing with my PPD and anxiety. I never could have prepared for postpartum depression. I was really torn apart from the robbery of joy in a season I prayed so hard for. I felt so guilty, so selfish. I was back and forth in my head whether I was even meant for this, to be a good mom. I realized that all those months of struggling mentally really affected my motherhood, but it didn’t define it. I had to let that go, and realize that who I was at the beginning of this journey is not who I am or am meant to be. It took some time to feel better, but I got there. I’m no perfect mom, but I am not the mom I was yesterday.

This poem that I wrote goes along with this reflection, and I’d love to share it with you. 

The Mom I Was Yesterday

What I wasn’t prepared for was feeling this way

All my thoughts inside, left me stuck in a haze

I should be at my happiest and thriving 

Yet there was joy in my mind that I was lacking 

It took a while for me to get into a routine

For my brain to feel organized, I was finally present and me

I realized I wasn’t the mom I was yesterday

There was something awaiting me in the days to come

My motherhood seemed a little more fitting, a little more comfortable

Like we belonged as one

I am not the mom I was yesterday

Surviving the darkest of days

Embracing my new season

Grabbing so much grace

I am not the mom I was yesterday 

I look to the joy that’s ahead of me

The joy that this little one brings

Oh, the love that I’ll see

Wonderful Joy Ahead: a collection of poetry through a postpartum journey, by Kalyn Bentley

I now see a lot of grace where the Lord brought me through seasons of doubt, anger, fear and guilt. Even though motherhood has not been easy, He has been good in sustaining me each and every day. 

-Kalyn Bentley